Shilpa Shetty awarded honorary doctorate August 09 2007

When I heard this news in the media, much like any of you, I was pissed. Infact, so pissed that I picked up my mobile and slingshot it straight into my monitor, creating a irreparable hole 11 inches in diameter. However, thanks to my previous girlfriend Hillary Gates (daughter of Bill Gates), I am never quite short of monitors and mobiles.

Now discarding the fact that I am a very powerful man, let's get to the core of this topic: Since when do you get a honorary doctorate for winning a cheap, low class, indispicable show such as Big Brother. I reckon someone like Malika Sherawat wouldn't hesitate calling that show cheap.

Shilpa has been awarded an honorary doctorate by Leeds University for cultural relations or something of that sort. Don't be surprised if the only two people enrolling to Leeds University next year are Free Willy and Freddy Krueger. I mean, what were these guys thinking before they just pop up a Ph.D degree to an actress whose been a failure for most of her career and has just ended up at the right place at the right time? I reckon 90 out of 70 Indian women would've had the same "values" and "ethics" as Shilpa.

Oh wait, what's this? An e-mail from the same university:

Famous critic 'Subhash K. Jha is Gay': Sonu Nigham August 08 2007

Playback and Pop singer Sony Nigham has gone public saying critic Subhash K. Jha has sent him messages such as "I Love You", "I Miss You" and others much more lewd in nature. Since this has gone out of control, he thinks it nigh time to go public about it.

Kareena and Shahid's ridiculous posing August 07 2007

Here's a picture of Kareena Kapoor and Shahid Kapoor which once again brings life to this most talked about of topics. I don't know what went wrong, who took this picture or why pictures like this are allowed to be made public, but judging from the overall scenario, one wouldn't need to think like Holmes to make intelligent calculations of why Kareena is looking at the camera in such a manner.

Our experts (me, my brain and my innocent heart) have come up with some logical explanations for this pose:

1. Kareena was selling hash to Shahid when the photographers came from behind and surprised them (Kareena is inserting the bag of hash into Shahid's back pocket at the time of the photo). This theory may lead to furthur investigations if this relationship is based around hash. Thinking about this, I must tell you a very wise thing my father once told me, "Hash friends are no friends. When the hash is finished, the friendship is finished" Learn from it you fools.

2.  This was taken in a bowling alley. The two didn't pay for the match cause they're broke after all these flops. Kareena just went on and tossed a bowling bowl and now that she's caught, they're pretending they were just standing there. Cheapsters.

Kareena Kapoor in Hulchul August 07 2007

Vidya Balan wants to wear revealing clothes August 04 2007

Govinda celebrating success of Partner August 02 2007

Let's be honest, the hitch inspired Partner is a success. It's a very good comedy and has been very successful at the box office. Hence, this calls for celebrations by the leading pair of the film, Salman and Govinda. We don't know about Salman, but according to sources, Govinda was seen in Dubai last weekend. Infact, we also came across a picture of Govinda shopping in Dubai. Reportedly, it's a picture of Govinda with a female fan.

That's jolly and all, but since when does Dubai resemble the Jaipur Lorry Station. This doesn't look like any Dubai to me. And if this is Dubai, get me out of here! I've been vacationing here for the last three years and still haven't come across such a place (partly because this vacation has been based on me watching clips of Dubai on television.)

Munna Bhai goes to jail for seven years August 01 2007

This is the biggest news of the year as far as Bollywood is concerned. Hell, considering the War on Terror is 6 years old and nothing else newsworthy has happened, I reckon this can be considered the news of the year throughout the world. Sanjay Dutt, one of the biggest stars the industry has ever seen has been sentenced to six years imprisonment for buying and housing weapons from noted terrorists and individuals who were found guilty in taking part in the 1993 Bombay bombings. Here's stuff from a source:

"At least three films with a budget of over Rs 15 crore each are likely to be stuck in limbo if Dutt is sentenced to imprisonment. These include Sanjay Gupta’s Alibaug, Sanjay Gadhvi’s Kidnap and Abbas-Mustan’s Mr Fraud, Dutt has begun filming them but they are not completed. In addition to these films, Dutt has been signed on to star in Rajkumar Hirani’s Munnabhai Chale Amrika and Sujoy Ghosh’s Alladin, for both of which he is still to commence shooting."

To the producers of all these films, I would like to send my condolences with a 50 rupee bond as a gift and a token of care. And incase any of these happen to be among the winning bonds, send them back before I sue you and send you furthur into obscurity.